living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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