Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
