i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
