You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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