Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
