you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
