I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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