STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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