He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
