Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
last night I used snow as a chaser
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