I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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