I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
