At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
