If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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