My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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