that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
