Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
