Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
