did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
