You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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