I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
