My cat gives me a boner
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
