Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
