Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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