Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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