you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
