When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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