Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
