She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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