My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
