Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Everclear isn't food dammit
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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