anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
