Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
