If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
