Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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