Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
