yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
cat food counts as protein by the way
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
