I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
