this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Randomize
