dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
