i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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