A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You were trust falling into bushes
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
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