i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
