everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
