Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
