I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
