Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
