The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
this is an emotional support booty call
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
