college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
