Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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