he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
